my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Even my vagina gasped.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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