We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
