where am i from again
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
