i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
