Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
