i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
