I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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