i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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