I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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