He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
