You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
