My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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