Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
ttyl tear gas
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
