im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
