You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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