i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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