hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
