You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
