....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
