Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
