Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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