Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
