and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
