My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize