He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
