yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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