He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
