That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I have already put on my inside pants.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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