my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
