He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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