i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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