so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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