life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
