he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
