she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
