Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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