Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
