I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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