why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
