I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
