I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
