omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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