I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
