what day is it and did you see me today?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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