Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
