Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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