I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I had to cum in my sink.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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