Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
