Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
