he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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