Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
