420 ftw
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
