Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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