I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
