i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
