I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize