I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
