I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
