Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
