He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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