I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
