? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
